Goldblum: First Honorary CRAB

 First Honorary CRAB

After weeks of meticulous research and preparations, the CRABs have come to a unanimous decision to make Jeffery Lynn Goldblum the first of a select group, the Honorary CRABs. Mr. Goldblum for your outstanding CRAB-like contributions to the world of men we would like to honor you with this most unique of awards.

I would like to first highlight some of your key attributes that made you the most desirable applicant in our CRAB eyes. The characteristic that far outweighs the rest, I speak for the all the CRABs when I say this, is your outstanding performance as the character Dr. Ian Malcolm in the global phenomenon Jurassic Park. Jeff I have to say that performance not only changed the way I viewed the label doctor for my entire life, but it also inspired me to adorn my car with two vinyl replicas of your face (in progress). Some may say that having the face of your idol on your vehicle is a bit much, and to those people I say “How dare you speak to me.”

The man, the myth, and the Fly, Goldblum has done everything and more than one would expect for such a handsome and well to do man loved by all. Goldblum is truly a renaissance man, well-known for his deep appreciation for not only the taste of food, but the experience just the smell alone can suffice for a man so astute in the ways of the world. The noble peach, one of Jeffery’s favorite fruits, exudes an aroma unmatched by measly berries or other lesser fruits.  Goldblum eats, breathes, and defecates excellence; there is no room in his life for inferior beings. If he were a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor he would be a spoonful of awe-inspiring Goldblumage.

I’d like to take this time here towards the end of this celebration to recognize a few of the amazing films Jeffery Lynn has blessed the screen in.  A convincing performance and certainly memorable came in the form an animated movie in which he lent his voice: the Prince of Egypt. Movies like Jurassic Park, Independence Day, the Fly, and Spinning Boris truly put Goldblum on the map and now he is the map.  Jeff Goldblum it is a privilege to announce that you sir are now officially the first ever, as there has not been any previous, Honorary CRAB! Love and tears leak from my eyes as I admire the magnificence of this occasion, Jeffery Lynn Goldblum welcome to the family.