Rumors are swirling about a "reformed revivalist" that is sweeping across the midwest claiming to have received divine knowledge. Our very own analyst,
Ralph Herms, reports that the "prophet", hence forth known as "Kenny G", has begun to influence many men and children alike to follow him in the greater Chicago area. Though some are calling it a "movement", many specialists are relating this Cult to the
Cult of Cory that encompassed the entire globe just 2 years ago. Police are on standby and tensions are high in the windy city with fears of riots breaking out. Mayor
Jack Chan called in helicopters to provide surveillance to the innocent towns people. Thus far the death count is 2 citizens,
pictured here.
Here is just a brief summary of Kenny G's teachings through his own words:
"I have the light, and it comes from ma muzik"
"I was raised Catholic, but my father's people were Methodist, so we went to both churches"
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
"Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"
The warrant is out for Kenny G's arrest, but his strongest supporters are fighting off police and taking the fall for Kenny G, resulting in a metropolitan bloodbath. More on this as it happens.
-J.G.
