Where Do Lost Teeth Go?

This afternoon at work I was in a discussion, though short-lived, about getting "back to work". I, walking along side CRAB Len Crabitz, were traveling along a sandy bank when we were stopped by a toothless bald-man. This man we have come to love from our past of sharing Brisk Iced-Tea, laughs, 15 second pauses, and stories about every occupation we've held under the crabsun. Whilst calmly traveling towards our Goal-dblum, we were stopped by his raspy voice (probably caused by some unfortunate smoke-bomb family is on crack accident) which deeply screeched "mush mush" as he imitated with his arms a man whipping snow dogs. Of course we chuckled because it was funny, but mid-laughter both of us CRABS were reminded that the man's teeth were gone (not new news, mind you). So I pose the question to you, viewers, where do lost teeth go? Where are this man's teeth? Were the teeth broken? Were the Teeth Stolen? Did the teeth just leave? Were they ever there at all?

I have a theory of my own. I think teeth are recycled. It only makes sense. I feel like teeth are either swallowed and digested (probably caused by Corey...), or the tooth fairy comes and takes peoples teeth and recycles them in products we use or see today. Examples would include ipods, ipads, napkins, and them super blow-pops. I'd like to hear some other theories about where this man's teeth are at, so feel free to post. I also entertained the idea that all the teeth are stored in some kinda treasure chest in a cave, probably located somewhere near Davey Jones Crabber...(see above?)

When the days are hard, keep on Crabbin', have an awesome and crabby day friends

The Crabs..Always a Fighting Chance

Since this is my first blog I figured I would talk about something that means nothing to me. Last night the Crabs and a Shellder named Vin (who is not a good replacement for me at all so don't let me hear that again) went on a epic quest of fame and fortune in AC. Most everyone was pumped from the start except mad ol Len Crabitz who said he felt like he wouldn't win. (Reminds me of the time when I was told I couldn't find a needle in a haystack, and then did so blindfolded.) When we arrived hopes were high for my fellow crabs and I. We managed to get a table almost exclusively for the Crabs and the Shellder on a Friday night which is truly unheard of. ( Our fame precedes us, just as lightening precedes thunder). However one by one our bets fall ill and the Crabs quickly started running out of treasures. Len Crabitz falls first (bad attitude-party foul?) with DiCrabs and myself closely behind. Then it came to our last 10, and we hesitated on where to put the last of our treasure. Seemingly out of nowhere Vin buys in and places his bet. At the same time DiCrabs and I mastermind an incredible strategy of betting on where we don't think we will win (genius!). We place our bet and win. Then again and win, and again, and again the plan seems flawless. We had both won back a decent amount of treasure but we both were still behind. It was time to test the strategy to the full. I announced to the table that it would not land on 00 (double zero's) and placed 10 on it. To my surprise DiCrab did not back me up on this which would have been our 5th win in a row using our strategy. The wheel was spun and DiCrab placed his bet on black(I believe). The ball went around and around, all the while i knew it would not land on 00. The ball fell and I held my breathe. DOUBLE ZERO'S!!!, I couldn't control my emotions and so I jumped for joy ( MAD TEAM would never do this), and grabbed it which would most definitely would have been a party foul if I hadn't quickly tossed it into the depths of Davy Jones Locker as soon as Crabanly possible. Over $300 was won and I walked away with much of that. DiCrab couldn't recover from not following me on 00, and I believe said and I quote "Haven't won much since Crabtain won big" which almost sounds to me that it was my fault that the winnings weren't coming to him when in fact he was the one who decided not to go with me on Dub Zero's to begin with!"I thought it was a joke!!" was his excuse. Anyway it was another great night in AC and I know there will surely be plenty more where that came from.



-May the Crabs be with you...always

Casino CRABS

Earlier this very night, the CRABS + an extremely excitable Asian companion set off for this summer's second Casino trip. Partial to the Tropicana, where we found early success, we returned for round two. We left Atlantic City previously on a high-crab, because if I am to be honest AC was just not ready for a CRAB invasion.
Two in the front three in the back we pulled up in the Trop parking garage feeling great, as the CRABS snag a prime level 2 parking spot 10 yards from the elevator. Unfortunately Len Crabitz was emitting some seriously negative energy as we exited the vehicle. The bad vibes released clouds of doubt in all of our minds as we entered the elevator and made our way to the casino floor. J.G. Crabitt throwing out constant funny remarks lightened the mood, but the group energy was still lacking. It was at this time where Crabtain Barbossa attempted to fix the group energy levels by again mentioning the fact that he and the excitable Asian were wearing nearly the same shirt and that this of random occurrence was in itself lucky.  Superstitious behavior comes natural for CRABS; one can only imagine the amount superstitious behavior increases when thrown on a casino floor, where the difference between winning and losing is based solely on whether or  not Lady Luck thinks you're good enough for a poke.
Stepping on to the multi-colored casino floor we surveyed the landscape for a roulette table that not only suited our  needs, but could also house the the CRABS + the excitable Asian in their entirety.  We end up at the same table we experienced some luck at in our last Trop endeavor and order the necessary drinks (Sharps Miller Non-Alcholic Beer on the Rocks). Funny and Mad join forces at the table to birth a losing streak that was not profitable to any CRAB member.  Crabitz the first out, the Crabtain and myself get into a bit of a bind as our collection of chips began to dwindle. However, all luck changed as the excitable Asian threw down a couple bucks.  All of the sudden the gates of Goldblum opened and the man himself was waving at us knee deep in casino chips.  Four wins in a row betting on what we thought least likely to win, we thought we had found the secret, the excitable Asian and Goldblum had shown us the Crunk filled swimming pool of success. Crabtain Barbossa then decides to place his bet on 00 (double zeros), which the excitable Asian and myself do not follow due to the outrageous nature of the bet.  Well, the ball dropped in 00 and the CRABS went insane. He one a large chunk of change and being the only one who walked away a winner we turned to leave.
On our way out we run in to an attractive woman with a wheel, that only new members may spin. Seeing the wheel as a golden opportunity to win back some of the investment I had recently lost, I signed up along with my buddy Barbossa. Thinking my luck was bound to change, I watch Crabtain spin and score two free tickets to a show. I step up and give the wheel a little DiCrabrio touch; it spins a few and lands on 50 Free Slot Dollars.  Ecstatic I run over to the slots to make some free money, but unfortunately slot machines are the worst invention of all time. My free slot money was gone in mere minutes and the machine did not even attempt to get my hopes up. Dejected and slightly perturbed I left the casino, but extremely happy for my fellow CRAB.  Congratulations on a big win Crabtain Barbossa!
-Atlantic City, consider this a warning; the CRABS will be back.  And way they do be ready to pay up big, for there is no way we are walking out empty handed.

Have a Crabby Day my fellow air-breathers.

L. DiCrabrio$$$                              

Bruins Win the Stanley Cup

As I watched the final game of the 2011 NHL playoffs three things really caught my eye. The Boston Bruins clearly wanted to win the game more than Vancouver Canucks and the lack of the Canucks really bothered me. Going into the third period down 3-0, I literally saw no effort from the defeated team. They played dirty, with hits that were uncalled for against defenseless players. That being said, the city of Vancouver and their fans really reflects the team. After the game was over nearly 150 people were arrested in Vancouver for raids and violence. It shows how much hockey means to the country of Canada, and how Americans could care less. In fact, I haven't really heard many people at all talk about the NHL playoffs. This brings me to my next point. The NFL is currently in a lockout stage, with most experts completely clueless on whether or not games will be played this year. The NBA will also go into a lockout, which means possibly no basketball for the upcoming season. If these two sports are unable to play, will this being more viewers and fans to the sport of hockey? My third and final question is simple. Why do the Canadian franchises have team names of both the "Canadians" and the "Canucks". If I were one of the franchises I would consider changing to the Crabs. The name simply has a better ring to it and will bring more viewers to the sport.
Stay Crabby Philadelphia

Frank Dux

Frank W. Dux (pronounced "dukes") is an American martial artist and fight choreographer. Dux established his own school of Ninjutsu in 1975, called "Dux Ryu Ninjutsu". He was the inspiration for the 1988 film Bloodsport starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.^[1]

Dux states that he was introduced to and trained in Koga Yamabushi "Ninjitsu" by Senzo "Tiger" Tanaka.^[2]

Dux's martial art style "Dux Ryu Ninjitsu" is not a “koryu” 15th century feudal form of Ninjutsu, but is still claimed to be "based on its Koga Ninja root principles of adaptability and consistent change."^[2] Frank Dux formulated the proprietary augmentation technology he calls DUX FASST (Focus-Action-Skill-Strategy-Tactics). (Wikipedia).

Frank Dux fought 329 matches between 1975 and 1980.  He retired undefeated as the World Heavy Weight Full Contact Kumite Champion. Dux still holds four world records:

Fastest Knockout - 3.2 seconds

Fastest Punch with Knockout - .12 seconds

Fastest Kick with Knockout - 72 mph

Most Consecutive Knockouts in a Single Tournament - 56

Moral of the story is that Frank Dux is super bad-ace and that his crabtastic skills in the ring are unmatched by any mortal.  

Information provided by Wikipedia and the film Bloodsport.

Have a Crabby Day Shirefolk 

Crabitz Sues Cory

Last friday was a wonderful day. Work went by quickly and although lifeguarding class was four hours long, it went pretty well. As I sat in a classroom taking my CPR exam my stomach started to growl. I immediately thought to myself "Am I just hungry?? or is something seriously wrong with my stomach because it sounds pretty angry at me..." Then I thought about what had happened the previous couple days and what I had eaten. At first it didn't seem like much. A few cheeseburgers, a ham and cheese sandwhich and some cheetos which were pretty much the norm. Then it all hit me at once. Cory had left his house and was cooking in my stomach. I immediately lashed out in pain and discomfort, finishing the test as quickly as I could. I ran to the restroom where I could hear Cory chuckling inside of my stomach. He had won that battle, but the war had just begun. He did not realize that he was fighting a Crab. I realized that I needed to do something about it so I called up my friend Judge Judy. She accepted the case and we started the next morning. I remember looking at Cory with that stupid grin on his face. It was the grin of a winner. Someone who had always gotten what he wanted, even when he never deserved it. I wanted to take that smile off his face and replace it with a "Vern Troyer." As Cory began to speak and plead his case Judge Judy immediately cut him off and said "you have no case sirrrrrr, that doesn't add up sirrrrr!!!!! (See IMAGE) Cory was so befuddled, but he shrugged his shoulders and acted cool (you know that old chestnut) saying that he would leave his house on his own terms. I was happy with beating Cory in court, suing him for partiality of his house and his dad. I think about his dad a lot. Feel bad for him. Cory really blew it and will always blow it. But anyway, whenever you get sick know that it isn't just randomness, but that Cory is churning away being a funny guy. ((((Crabs for life.... every now and then I get a little bit lonely)))

MJY replacing MJD??

For many years now, Maurice Jones-Drew has been the running back for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Over the past two years alone, Jones-Drew has posted up over 2,700 yards rushing for the squad. Most people would look at those stats and be astonished that the Jaguars are looking to replace the young running back. However, to understand the issue more clearly we need to look at the circumstances surrounding this franchise. 1. Rumor has it that the Jaguars may move to Los Angeles and become the LA Crabs. Moving the franchise would mean lower cap space, which hurts MJD's chances of staying with the team. 2. Jones-Drew has had a fumbling problem this past year. in the 13 games that he played he managed to cough up the ball a whopping two times! Coach Jack Del Rio was not pleased at all because these fumbles cost the Jaguars a shot of a playoff birth in the AFC South division. 3. The reemergence of Mighty Joe Young. Mighty Joe Young, or MJY was banned three years from the NFL for performance enhancing drugs. Joe-Young's best know for his self titled movie where he acts like he is lost to pick up chicks. This film got poor ratings because it showed MJY as a pathetic, rich ape who was "lookin for a poke". MJY has apologized for his past remarks and his movie gig and says that he "is finished with the monkey business and is ready to go back to playing football". Maurice Jones-Drew is a great NFL player, but could he really be replaced by a movie star?

Two Bottom Buns?

After yet another spectacular lifeguarding class today (though I do have a robotic ankle now... see latest party foul post) three of us CRABS decided to hit up long time loyal friend, WacArnolds. We usually go in starving and I even think people in the building assume we're about to mess the place up. I got 2 mcChicks and a plain double chee while my main F.A.G DiCrabrio copped 2 double chees and a reese's mcflurry. Dang, good stuff. Len Crabitz got the usual McChick with no mayo and double chee no onions. Solid. Anyway, so DiCrabio decides to go big or go home and gets one last chee. He comes back, opens the sandwich rapper likes its a birthday present, and finds that the chee has not one, but 2 bottom buns. Not expecting that. I think this is a big deal. How often does Wac's screw orders up? Daily. Possibly by the minute. But something like this? Uncalled for, but yet, uncalled for in a way that pleases the eye. It really made us appreciate that top bun. Weird how such small things can have such big effects on our lives. Like Uncle Joey. Made my life worse. Have a crabby day McCrabbers.
JGC

Party Foul: The Dreaded Hoppity Hop

Earlier today, during our weekly Pakour Free Running recycling trip, J.G. Crabitt attempted the dreaded Hoppity Hop.  A skill performed only by experienced Parkour enthusiasts, this may have been a bit of a reach  for the Parkour novice even if he is a hulk of a man. Crabitt approached the recycling receptacle of choice with blazing speed and launches himself off the ground, but the flight is where the tale gets weird. Sometime between takeoff and landing the complexity of the trick twisted his body into a not so friendly landing position; causing our man to sprain his ankle while simultaneously breaking the recycling receptacle.  The laughter following this event was so immense that we (Len Crabbitz and myself) failed to realize that he was actually injured. J. Crabitt acquired a sprained ankle unsuccessfully doing the Hoppity Hop For actions unbecoming of a CRAB, Joseph Gordon Crabitt, there is an ice-cold Sharps Miller Non-Alcoholic Beer dripping anticipatory drops of condensation on the coaster waiting just for you.  Due to the Party Foul and the  selfish injury my own amazingness was over looked today, but I'd have you know my treespins, cartwheel half-turns, and my hand flips were on point today.

Have a Crabby Day       

King James?

Championship still outside his reach, LeBron James cries as he shits yet another metaphorical NBA Finals bed. 

Neighbors!!!!

Neighbors!!!!!

Congrats Mavs; Mavs Nation

I am so ridiculously excited that I have the chance to talk about the Dallas Mavericks winning their first ever NBA championship. The best NBA finals I have ever seen and also the most deserved victory I have seen in my day. Dirk, Kidd, Terry, Marion, J.J, Chandler and Peja all deserved a ring as well as coach Rick Carlisle. I first want to mention that I predicted the Mavs in six and I predicted after 3 games for the Mavs to win out. Also predicted the Mavs to win by a bigger margin tonight. Just Saying. Anyway, I can't say enough about this team. Always played hard, especially when behind. Great Chemistry. Great Attitudes. An overall humble team. 2 brothers in the faith (Kidd and Terry). I just love this team. I think its going to be hard to root against them if they play my Knicks next year, I've really come to love them throughout this year and especially post-season. I just want to know if its physically possible to stop J.J Barea. The guy is all of 5'7. Thats like Tim Cruise height.
Anyway, does it bother anybody else that the Heat just gave up with like 4 minutes left in the 4th? Honestly its the NBA finals and you have two future hall of famers and one raptor with large talons/snapping turtle alien down low. They just gave up. Chalmers seemed to care more than any of the big three, aside from Bosh crying at the end of the game. I hate the Heat, but it still bothers me that they gave up.
So Dirk finally gets his much deserved title and helps his legacy out quite a bit. Kidd can retire a champion if he so chooses and Marion can rest assured that his CPR-looking shot won him a title. I had a lot more in mind when I sat down to write this but I think I'll just let my colleagues fill in the rest as we celebrate. I also want to point out that Dirk started 1/12 (8.3%) and ended up going 9/27 (33%) and he straight dripped in the 4th quarter, as usual. You'll probably be hearing a lot more from us on how we feel about the NBA and you'll probably hear from me speaking on either the Heat or Knicks a lot, just a forewarning.

Congrats Dirk and Kidd

Congratulations to the 2011 NBA Finals Champion Dallas Mavericks for shocking a nation. An NBA season that publicly obsessed over star power ends in the hands of the supporting cast.  The big three fall and Dirk has the worst shooting performance (9-27 FGM-A) of the post-season, but Dallas' supporting cast out shines that of Miami's. Jason Terry led the way with an impressive 27 points off the bench, as every Mavericks player succeeded in putting points on the scoreboard. Even in a bad shooting performance Dirk still came away with a double-double (21 PTS and 11 Rebounds).  GO DIRK! Sorry LeBron, Dwyane, and Bosh there's always next year.  

Opinions For Dummies

Hey Everyone,
I have been recently bothered by people disagreeing with me in my music choices. I have realized that this is a stupid thing to be disgruntled about considering everyone has their own opinions and very few people will see eye-to-eye with me when it comes to music taste. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Weezer sucks. Now, consider what I have just said. Usually I would say this as fact, and I still think it to be fact but so many people disagree with me that I have to deem it opinion. I just don't get what people like about them. I find them bland and just lame. If you love them I am sorry, I just don't see it, and I hope we can continue our friendship. You may be reading this and thinking "hey Gordon-Crabitt, I think RZA sucks so you can find a red truck and get dragged behind it in a pot-hole filled in-road", and thats fine, because you're wrong. Just kidding. But really, I want to also take this time to complain about how much JIMMY BUFFET SUCKS. His most popular song is about cheeseburgers in paradise. Talk about idiot. And Landshark is voted worst beer created by the world's most interesting people. And what about all this modern pop garbage? What about the Beatles? They do nothing for me. I find them to be a bag of suck. Huge respect for them, they made music what it is today, all the credit to them for the modern music. Guilty as charged with the stories. Maybe its because everybody overrates them, or because I had to listen to Lucy in the Sky or Yellow Submarine everyday in art class. Who knows. If I continue to ramble about how much I hate some popular bands everyone reading the blog would hate me so I'll keep quiet now. But at the end of the day, if your favorite band isn't 311, the Gorillaz, Wu-tang(group,not band), Led, Floyd, U2, Rush, or something similar, then guess what ...