Public Party Foul: South Jersey

G'day all, J.G. here...as usual,

The CRABs and I have been in southern New Jersey for some time ((which absolutely trumps north Jersey, I thangk you. (actually South Jersey should succeed from Jersey in general because south jersey doesn't suck but the state as a whole is running for worst in the nation with the likes of Massachusetts and Pennsylvania)) and we have deemed it party foul worthy that the wreckage from last weeks storm still hasn't been taken care of. People have been out of work, roads have been closed, people have been without TV,(how are they supposed to watch Cory in the house?) and teeth cannot be found. I'm pretty sure that when Hurricane Stamos passed through last year, the clean-up was quick and easy. We lost some valuable lives (E-40, Bam-Bam Flinstone, Scrappy Doo) but had key players like Mighty Joe Young and Babas Maw (see below) step up and do some top-tier cleaning. No excuse south jersey...being kinda lazy. Enjoy that sharps SJ...such a hufflepuff move.



PACE!

-J.G.

False Prophet?

Rumors are swirling about a "reformed revivalist" that is sweeping across the midwest claiming to have received divine knowledge. Our very own analyst, Ralph Herms, reports that the "prophet", hence forth known as "Kenny G", has begun to influence many men and children alike to follow him in the greater Chicago area. Though some are calling it a "movement", many specialists are relating this Cult to the Cult of Cory that encompassed the entire globe just 2 years ago. Police are on standby and tensions are high in the windy city with fears of riots breaking out. Mayor Jack Chan called in helicopters to provide surveillance to the innocent towns people. Thus far the death count is 2 citizens, pictured here.

Here is just a brief summary of Kenny G's teachings through his own words:

"I have the light, and it comes from ma muzik"

"I was raised Catholic, but my father's people were Methodist, so we went to both churches"

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

"Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"

The warrant is out for Kenny G's arrest, but his strongest supporters are fighting off police and taking the fall for Kenny G, resulting in a metropolitan bloodbath. More on this as it happens.

-J.G.

Cory to be in a Halfway House?

With the buzz in months past about Charlie Sheen being out of America's favorite "Two and a Half Men", rumors began to swirl about his replacement. Whether or not the show will go on is a mystery because it seems that there is no suitable replacement for Sheen. Not only did I get to attend the tryout, but I had the opportunity to cover the global event. The stars lined up and began auditions to play Charlie Harper, the reckless uncle to Youngin Jake Harper whom is the half-man. Some of the biggest names in Hollywood showed their faces including Aston Kutcher, Gary Busey, Christopher Reeves, Mike Keaton, and Cory. Each thespian brought their own taste to the character, a taste that even Sheen himself didn't bring. The actors were to mimic previous scenes that Charlie Harper had done in past seasons. It seemed as though Kutcher was favorited throughout the auditions, but Cory brought a little extra spice to the table. When the actors were asked to do this scene , Cory proved he could be anything. The scene was set, Sheen was being played by Busey, The son by Reeves, the Dad was played by Mike Keaton, and the dog was played by Cory. It was effortless. Outstanding. The director expressed his love for the character development and told the contestants that he almost had his decision made.

I followed Cory into his dressing room. Shaking whilst he was awaiting to hear if he got the part, Cory looked to me and said "My dad beats me". I shrugged my shoulders because I really didn't know what to say, and kind of half pretended like I didn't hear him. Instead, I continued my game of Crabs with friends with Tim Cruise. He continued to talk at me as I focused on my game, but I think I made out what he said pretty well. It was something like "you ever think life is pointless, like no matter what you do you'll still be an obese child?" I looked over the frame of my Goldblum glasses and said "relax kid, you're Cory" Right then and there the producer of the show walked in and announced boldly to us that it was between Cory and Kutcher. Keep your fingers crossed kids, Cory may be out of your stomach and into a new house. We will continue to cover the auditions and keep you fans posted.

Have a crabby evening and may Cory stay out of the house.